There’s a version of this conversation that happens at the right time, with everyone calm, a cup of tea on the table, and plenty of options available. There’s another version that happens in a hospital corridor three weeks after a diagnosis, when the options are mostly gone.
Most families end up having the second version.
The reason isn’t that people don’t care. It’s that this particular conversation sits at the intersection of money, mortality, and family dynamics, which means it’s the kind of thing people prefer to have “soon” without ever quite getting round to it.
The practical consequence is that inheritance tax planning often happens too late, when the options have already narrowed. But before any of that, there’s the conversation itself. Here’s how to have it without it becoming a source of tension.
Start with the practical, not the emotional
The worst version of this conversation starts with “Mum, when you die…” and goes downhill from there.
A better entry point is something practical and low-stakes: a news story about inheritance tax, a change in the rules, something a friend’s family is going through. “I read something about more families being caught by IHT because of frozen thresholds. Have you and Dad thought about that?”
You’re not asking about death. You’re asking about a tax question. That’s a much easier door to walk through.
Know the basic facts before you go in
You don’t need to be an expert. But knowing a few numbers helps the conversation feel grounded rather than vague.
The nil rate band is £325,000. Anything above that is taxed at 40%. There’s an additional £175,000 allowance for property left to direct descendants. Married couples can combine their allowances.
If your parents own property in the UK, especially if they bought it more than 15 years ago, there’s a reasonable chance their estate is somewhere in IHT territory. It’s worth knowing roughly where they sit before the conversation starts.
Ask, don’t tell
This works better as a series of questions than a presentation.
Do they have a current will? When was it last updated? Is the life insurance written in trust? Have they taken any professional advice?
Most parents won’t feel defensive if you’re asking because you care, rather than because you’re calculating your inheritance. The framing matters. “I want to make sure you’ve got this sorted, and that we’re not left scrambling if something happens” lands very differently than “we need to talk about what we’ll get when you die.”
What to actually cover
If the conversation goes well, there are a few specific things worth covering:
Whether there’s a current will, and who holds it.
Whether any assets, including property, savings, and investments, have been listed anywhere. An estate summary doesn’t need to be detailed. Even a rough list is more than most families have.
Whether any planning has been done already, such as trusts, gifts, or insurance. A lot of parents have done more than their children realise. Some have done less than everyone assumed.
Whether they’d be open to a professional review. This is the most important question, because it moves the conversation from abstract to actionable.
When parents push back
It’s common. “We don’t have anything worth worrying about” is a frequent response, even from families who clearly do. “We’ll sort it out when the time comes” is another one.
You can’t force anyone to plan. What you can do is share what you’ve learned. If the nil rate band has been frozen since 2009 and their house is worth £400,000, the maths is not complicated. Once people see their actual numbers, the “it doesn’t apply to us” objection usually softens.
Offering to sit in on an initial consultation with them, or to do the research on what’s available, can also reduce the activation energy. Sometimes the barrier isn’t reluctance. It’s not knowing where to start.
The timing question
The right time for this conversation is before a health scare, before cognitive decline, and ideally before your parents are in their 80s.
That’s not because older people can’t plan. They can. But the planning options shrink. The seven-year clock on gifts becomes harder to run down. Capacity issues can complicate the execution of legal documents. The earlier the conversation happens, the wider the range of tools available.
If your instinct has been “we’ll get to it eventually,” this article is a nudge. Eventually has a way of arriving faster than expected.
